It’s that time of year when the Committee to Define Volunteer Management gets together at a back table in Pete’s Bar, Grill and Bait Shop. Together, these brave members scratch their heads over several pints and attempt to come up with a succinct explanation of volunteer management. This year, they gave up once again after rejecting the phrase “herding cats,” but they decided to add the following words to the dictionary of volunteer management.

Volvorce: When a volunteer divorces the organization as in “No, I just can’t go get new volunteer Dinesh, because since no one called him back about getting started after I introduced him to finance, he volvorced us.”

Meetcolepsy: When too many meetings cause you to simply fall into a stupor at the thought of another talk-fest as in “No, I couldn’t make that fourteenth meeting about using the volunteers to stand by the back door in case someone gets confused because I contracted meetcolepsy. Want to see my doctor’s slip?”

Latespectation: A last-minute request for volunteers that is expected to be filled as if you were given weeks to prepare, as in “Oh, so you need 5 volunteers tomorrow morning for an assignment that you said was extremely important? Your latespectation is showing.”

Creditjacking: When another staff member takes credit for a successful endeavor that you or your volunteers accomplished as in “Yes, I’m glad you praised that project during the senior managers’ meeting, but let’s not creditjack the volunteers’ work, ok?”

Duhtistics: Stats that are so incredibly obvious, like volunteers are super nice as in “I won’t bore the board with duhtistics that you’ve heard before. No, instead I want to point out some new and exciting projects we are undertaking.”

AVOL: A volunteer who inexplicably does not return calls, emails or letters as in “I’m glad you noticed volunteer Myrna has been missing lately. I’m trying everything in my power to get in touch with her. Right now she’s AVOL.”

Volunteer Lite: A request for a volunteer to do a menial, mindless task as in, “You’re asking me for one of our highly trained volunteers to clean out the storage closet so you can use it for your supplies? You don’t want a full-bodied volunteer, you want a volunteer lite.”

Miracalls: Calls made to volunteers for an especially challenging or late request as in, “Woah, that’s a really challenging request (or time frame). I’ll be holed up in my office for the rest of the day, making miracalls.”

Informashunned: (pronounced in-for-may-shunned) Not given the essential information needed to properly place a volunteer as in “I have recruited four of our best volunteers for that assignment, but my pleas for crucial information have been ignored. Right now, our volunteers are informashunned.”

Nopinion: Volunteers wanted, but not their opinions as in, “I’m glad you were able to use volunteer Mark’s expertise, but he felt rebuffed when he offered additional knowledge. I guess you really want an expert but nopinion volunteer.” 

Vombie: That volunteer everyone is afraid of and no one wants to council or fire, as in, “I know Janey is a handful and she’s been here for what, twenty years now. I guess she’s been allowed to attain Vombie status and now that I’m here, I will deal with it in a professional manner.”

Callwaiter: The notion that volunteers sit by the phone just waiting to hear from us as in, “It is Friday afternoon and most of our volunteers have already made plans for tomorrow. I’ll make some miracalls, but our vibrant and diverse volunteers aren’t callwaiters.”

Marathonitor: The running around, checking, double-checking and rechecking to ensure that volunteers have all the information and tools they need to succeed as in “Our fifteen volunteers are ready for Saturday’s important annual event, but in order for them to excel, I will be marathonitoring their involvement, so I won’t be attending any meetings tomorrow or making miracalls to fill latespectation requests.”

Well, there you have it. As one of the senior members of the Committee to Define Volunteer Management said after several glasses of Pinot Grigio, “Dang, defining volunteer management is really impifficult.”

-Meridian