volunteerplaintalk

Tag: volunteer

  • You Can Water Plastic Flowers, But They Won’t Grow

    In a volunteer manager’s chaotic day, volunteer impact is difficult to plan, hard to complete and often impossible to execute. We laughingly describe our chaos in phrases like, “herding cats,” “wearing many hats,” and “controlled chaos.” But, the inability to move ourselves and our volunteers forward due to chaos is no laughing matter.

    I’d like to add another phrase to the lexicon: “Watering plastic flowers,” which means time spent on futile activities. But wait, futile is a strong word; it means “pointless,” or “incapable of producing results.”

    So, let’s eliminate the word futile, because there’s always hope right? As volunteer managers, we hold hope in our hands: Hope for that volunteer who is hurting and wants to help, but keeps canceling. Hope that our impassioned speech about volunteer value changes minds. Hope that today we will fill a role no volunteer wants to do.

    Instead, let’s look at ROI-return on investment. When our time investment does not produce enough results to continue, this doesn’t mean we must stop reaching out to that volunteer who never shows up; it means we have to weigh how much time we spend doing it.

    And remember, for every minute we spend on something with little ROI, we miss spending that minute on something with a large ROI that has impact and moves us in the direction we want to go.

    What steps can we take to determine where we should invest our time?

    • Volunteer ads: Analyze ads’ effectiveness and spend more time on effective ads. Relegate lesser producing ads to your office volunteers to manage. (and if you don’t have a team of volunteers helping you in every aspect of your job description, what the heck are you waiting for?)
    • Volunteers who are unreliable: Set a tolerance number-I will contact a volunteer X number of times and after no response, I will send them a letter/email/message thanking them, inviting them to contact us when ready.
    • Conflict challenges: If a challenging volunteer repeats egregious behaviors, craft a policy on expectations and stick to it. Make sure every volunteer is given a copy, reads and signs the copy and is aware of your policies and the final dismissal step.
    • Educating staff on the many aspects of volunteerism: Start with one important point and repeat, repeat, repeat; then build on that one concept. Too many concepts dilutes the ability to absorb it all.
    • Staff who improperly manage a volunteer’s time: Move the volunteer to a department that effectively engages volunteers. Make no apologies for moving volunteers to departments or positions that meet the volunteer’s needs.
    • Report, speak and substantiate the why: Want change? Infuse the why (specifics) into everything you say and do. For example, “We have an opportunity to partner with a local florist whose employees want to volunteer and potentially donate flowers, fund-raise for us and help advocate for our services. This will lead to other business partnerships so I need support from multiple departments.” Or, “I moved volunteer Tess to finance because her skills were underutilized in client records.”
    • Close your open door: Set aside planning time and remove yourself from distractions. With any repeated behavior, people will grow accustomed to “oh, yeah, Julie’s out right now. It’s planning time. She’ll be back in an hour.”

    Overloaded volunteer managers have no time for weak ROI. Under our careful cultivation, we need flowers that bloom and grow into effective volunteer engagement and impact.

    So, watch out for plastic flowers; they may look colorful, but water them all you want and they still won’t grow.

    Instead, water the flowers blooming with impact and watch your garden grow into a lush volunteer initiative.

    -Meridian

  • What do volunteers want? f/u.

    “Wait. you caught me off-balance.”

    What? You thought I meant… No, f/u=follow up. Like sending volunteer managers to leadership training, it’s sadly nonexistent these days.

    Lately, as a volunteer, I’ve experienced a rash of major lack of follow/up. Most of the time, follow/up applies to a new idea or project, but it can include things like getting answers on an assignment .

    Truth is, I’m guilty of it too. But when you experience it from a volunteer perspective, it is a motivation killer. No follow/up is like saying to a volunteer, “this is not important or worth my time. YOU are not important or worth my time.”

    When I was confronted by volunteers for not following up, I would feel off-balance and I’d use the excuses, “I’m working on it,” or “I haven’t gotten an answer yet,” (when I hadn’t even asked) or “I was just about to call you.” I’ve strung people along, put them on hold, shelved them, or ran the other way when I saw them coming; all because the follow/up wasn’t there. (But I was trying, so that made me a good person, right?)

    Why do we do this to our volunteers and to ourselves?

    • we have the best of intentions- but the road to the volunteer apocalypse is paved with good intentions
    • we can’t say no-which creates a loop in which we never get anything done
    • we are caught off guard-and we have no comeback prepared
    • we live in a visionary world-but we have no visionary strategy
    • we think we must prop up all volunteers-so we feed a need in some that may not align with our mission work
    • we are “nice” people-but we mistakenly equate nice with doormat

    The bottom line is this: if we can’t follow/up, we have no business engaging in the first place. What are some ways to prevent the volunteer f/u syndrome?

    • Make priorities known: It’s ok to say, “that is an interesting idea. Right now, our priority is to fill these volunteer roles. Can you help us do that first?”
    • Share the responsibility for f/u with the person: “I’m swamped with this event coming up. Will you remind me after the event?”
    • Be honest: “I might forget because we are in the middle of a recruitment campaign and I don’t want you to think I’m just giving you lip service, so can we revisit this at a later date?”
    • Weed out the serious from the non-serious: “That is an interesting concept. We have a volunteer task force that meets monthly and one of their objectives is to choose and implement a new idea. Would you come to the next meeting and make a pitch?”
    • Define the f/u: “What do you need from me? I will put it on my calendar and get back with you on the 20th of next month after I speak with the finance director.”
    • Don’t sugarcoat the no: “I’ve spoken to our CEO and at this time, she is unable to allocate the resources to your idea. It is not because the idea isn’t a good one, but because we are about to implement a new initiative and it’s all hands on deck right now. Try again after we’re successful.”
    • Don’t own the work: “I would like to help with that, but we are in the middle of volunteer appreciation planning. Can you work up a proposal with specifics and examples and get it to me? Without a fleshed-out proposal, I can’t get an audience to hear your idea.”

    I’ll not lie. I’m disappointed in my recent experiences with f/u even though I understand the why because I’ve been there and had those good intentions. But, still, lack of f/u kills motivation.

    So, let’s not make volunteer f/u an actual….F…. well, you know what I mean.

    -Meridian

  • Please volunteer for us, you caring person :-)

    You’re gonna love it!

    Picture a potential volunteer skimming through volunteer ads, and they come upon yours. Are they intrigued? Do they shout “Golly gee, this is fabulous,” and run for the phone, desperate for the wonderful opportunity? Or do they keep looking?

    According to research, the science of naming brands is more than descriptive words. Clever word coinage, rhymes that fall off your tongue and words that sound like the actual word (think fizz) all play into choosing a name.

    What if we rename common volunteer-wanted ad titles, using these techniques? But wait, let’s add a dose of job realism, shall we? For example, instead of:

    Office volunteer wanted:  Let’s use (and include a tagline)…

    • Mundane-Loving Myrtle; Boredom is the new black
    • Stays-In-The-Cubicle Carmen; see no evil, hear no evil, report no evil
    • Filing-Fool Fiend: keep your head and your hopes down

    Marketing/Fundraising Volunteer wanted: 

    • Shake-Em-Down Shirley; we’re all about the money, er the mission
    • Beggar Bonnie; sucking up to the donors so we don’t have to
    • Stay-In-Your-Lane Larry; we’re the experts here, silly, not you

    Events Volunteer wanted: 

    • Pack-Mule Pete; Hee-haw, following your dreams is so yesterday
    • No-Instructions-Needed Nell; Confusion is the spice of life
    • Stand-And-Wait Stanley; it’s just like being in line at Disney World except there’s no fun ride at the end

    General Volunteer Help wanted:

    • Obedient Ozzie; cause we don’t want no backtalk or new ideas
    • No-Personal-Life Latasha; stay by your phone, we might need something
    • Squeaky-Clean Shaquille; we can’t afford background checks

    While ad titles like Front desk volunteer, Office volunteer and the soul-sucking Dracula of all ad titles, Data Entry Volunteer may describe the positions, they lack the meaning that volunteers crave.

    Other outdated ad titles such as “Caring Volunteer,” or “Friendly Visitor,” feel like they were written with a chisel on stone. Recruitment ads forgotten on social media sites gather more dust than the speech I wrote in case I’m voted employee of the year.

    Or how about these dusty goodies: Bring Your Smile! Hold a Hand. They’re as effective as an ad for a VCR.

    Volunteer ads are passive recruitment which means they work for us while we are out talking to civic groups or sitting at community fairs or having lunch. Spending time and energy on writing these ads and regularly refreshing them is one of the most effective things we can do.

    Picture a student, late at night, phone in hand, swiping through ads that will fulfill their desire to be a change maker. Or a senior, recently widowed, searching in the still morning for something that will add meaning to a bruised soul. Or a working parent, sneaking a peek at ads while helping with homework, looking to spend some me time helping others. What speaks to them?

    Dive deep and find the meaning in your volunteer roles and convey that to potential volunteers. Try:

    • ask existing volunteers to help write ads
    • include quotes or testimonials from volunteers, staff, clients that get to the essence of why this job is important
    • use what I call the 3-way method: describe the job, describe what it means to clients/org and describe what benefits volunteers will reap
    • experiment with funny ads, pop-culture reference ads, or mimic current events
    • create a targeted volunteer profile and write for that person
    • write a question into your volunteer application that asks, “how did you find us,” and include a choice for ads, asking-“which one spoke to you and why?” Evaluate the feedback

    You work hard to recruit volunteers. Volunteer recruitment ads should work as hard as you.

    -Meridian

    This is an update from an old, old, old, dusty post: Caring Volunteers Wanted, Well duh.

  • #LoVols, Our Secret Sauce

    “…it’s so temptingly good!”

    We, volunteer managers have this rare overview of mission operations because our volunteers are involved in many/all departments and services. We know things other staff don’t know. We know Darcy secretly eats pudding at her desk which is why she always needs to swap out her keyboard. We know Lucas watches ninja videos on YouTube while claiming to do research. We know it was Kelly who jealously sabotaged Degan’s report because Degan got to go to that conference in New York.

    But, we also see how siloed everyone is and how much work is disjointed: For example – marketing sends a rep to schmooze a group of potential donors at a civics meeting. A month later, the CEO asks the education coordinator to “teach” a class at this same group. Meanwhile, you have this detail-loving volunteer and you realize they could help marketing and education efficiently merge their efforts.

    The same holds true for endless organizational meetings about a new project that is left simmering because staff is too overworked to get it going. Meanwhile, you know some amazing volunteers who could run with this idea and implement it.

    All throughout your organization, you see where volunteers can add tremendous value. You know what that makes you? (No, not a busy-body). A Visionary. Yep, it does, so let’s own it.

    We have a unique opportunity to offer volunteer value, although speaking up with authority can be downright terrifying. But remember, what is obvious to you is most likely not obvious to everyone else.

    We see where volunteer involvement can tie things together and how collaboration increases effective efficiency (or efficient effectiveness). We can show volunteer value in ways administration hasn’t thought of, but how should we offer?

    The ineffective way of pointing out volunteer help: (Negative Observation = Need Help)

    • Our volunteer heard a presentation given by Marcus at one of her club meetings and she said Marcus mumbled through the whole thing and nobody at her club could hear him so why don’t we use volunteers instead? We’ve got some real chatty volunteers!
    • Our volunteer overheard Gwen in marketing say she is delaying sending Skip the new marketing plan because she’s mad he won the employee of the month award but we have volunteers who are not petty like that so let’s put them in charge of the plan.
    • A volunteer said Jazmine in finance is afraid she’ll lose her job because she is having trouble learning the software, so hey, let’s give her some student volunteers because they all have computer skills.

    We don’t need to share negative tidbits. The visionary approach is to offer the impact of volunteer involvement and remove the objections to it. This is where the secret sauce comes in: It enhances your proposal with volunteer qualifications and the delicious work you have done to develop wonderful people into effective volunteers.

    Think of it this way: Would you feel confident if a staff member said to you, “I see you look stressed and I have someone to help you manage volunteers. They’re really nice.” No, you wouldn’t feel confident, you’d feel anxious. Why? Because negativity breeds anxiety and besides, nice isn’t a qualification. Neither is smart or honest or fun-these are attributes.

    Qualifications are the specific skills that are suitable to the job. (think office skills, public speaking). It’s imperative to ask questions to find what qualifications staff value in volunteers (able to work quietly, self-starter).

    We must offer volunteer help packaged with the volunteer’s qualifications and the background work we’ve done with each volunteer. Our volunteers are a package deal, not some random nice person off the street. We’ve invested time and knowledge in our volunteers and that investment will help open the silo walls.

    The secret sauce way to present developed volunteer help: (Positive observation + volunteer qualifications + secret sauce = win/win)

    • Volunteer Terrence, who is thoroughly vetted (secret sauce–vetting), has volunteered for five years in several roles (qualification), including working directly with our clients. He has been instrumental in bringing in 3 new donation streams (qualification) and through numerous training sessions (secret sauce–training), is versed in mission verbiage. Under my and marketing director Gwen’s watchful eyes (secret sauce-looping), Terrence can double the number of presentations given and he is ready to pilot a volunteer presentation program.
    • Volunteer Mizrah has been thoroughly vetted (secret sauce-vetting) and briefed (secret sauce-training) on the role in finance. He understands the importance of team and boundaries (a qualification you learned is important to Jazmine by talking with her) and will take the burden off Jazmine so she can focus on other important tasks. I will monitor their working relationship closely (the secret sauce – your leadership in looping, mediating and adjusting) so Jazmine is confident with the help.

    The #LoVols’ secret sauce is the work we do in the back of the organizational kitchen, mixing volunteer ingredients, stirring the pot frequently, tasting and adjusting so wonderful people are developed into effective volunteers: See The VOL E TEAM (vetting, orienting, looping, effectively communicating, training, educating, adjusting and mediating).

    We have a vision for our volunteer initiatives. Our volunteers are qualified. We have the secret sauce for their success. Let’s not keep our sauce so secret anymore.

    -Meridian

  • VIP-volunteer investment process free download

    Investing in people through strategic engagement is the way #LoVols develop effective volunteers.

    • vip flow chart
    vip flow chart
    volunteer-investment-process-flow-chartDownload

    Use this flow chart as a tool when explaining volunteer engagement or keep it in your desk to remind you of all the people-saturated skills you have in your toolbox and remember: Volunteers are wonderful people who develop into effective volunteers through strategic investment. That’s what #LoVols do all day.

    -Meridian

  • What do #LoVols do all day?

    What do #LoVols do all day?

    Do #LoVols chat up potential volunteers, make a few phone calls and then go home to binge watch Mind Hunter while eating Cheetos and petting the rescue cat? What do we do all day, exactly?

    We say things like, “I do a bit of everything,” or “I’m a jack of all trades,” or “depends upon the hour, ha ha,” which gives the impression that we are not in control and have no direction. Here’s the thing though: We are in total control and every portion of our day is devoted to engaging volunteers and creating volunteer impact. It’s time we show the world we are proactive, not reactive. Let’s gather all of our people skills under one term, “volunteer engagement skills” and stop downplaying our role. We’re a Jack of the volunteer engagement trade which consists of all kinds of skills, each one working towards a single purpose: creating an effective volunteer experience and team.

    We wear volunteer engagement and impact gear. Our skill set is people- saturated. What looks breezy is calculated. What looks effortless is deliberate. What looks casual is strategic.

    We may appear to be socializing but we are establishing a welcoming and meaningful atmosphere through the hard work of making it look effortless so volunteers are engaged and add value. There is method to our madness as we strategically create a team of effective volunteers through each people-saturated element:

    • vetting
    • on-boarding and/or orienting
    • looping
    • efficiently and effectively communicating
    • training to position
    • educating
    • adjusting or agile thinking
    • mediating
    • structuring

    let’s look at each element and why it is crucial to volunteer impact:

    • vetting: includes background checks, reference checks, one on one interviews, sit-downs and all other “getting to know a volunteer” tactics.
    • Why is this important? Volunteer engagement professionals (LoVols) weed out potential harmful volunteers and redirect volunteers to a fit that works for all stakeholders ensuring clients and staff work with competent people that do no harm and produce results.
    • onboarding and/or orienting: includes introduction and immersion into the mission. Whether by formal or informal methods, the LoVols connects the new volunteer to the work. Orientation is the emotional glue that binds a volunteer to the organization.
    • Why is this important? Volunteer engagement professionals ensure each volunteer understands organizational purpose and intent and is in sync with mission goals and objectives, thus equipping a volunteer with the necessary emotional connection to embrace the mission.
    • looping: includes checking in and checking back with clients, staff and the volunteer in a continuous loop to ensure satisfaction by all stakeholders.
    • Why is this important? Feedback is key to volunteer, staff and client satisfaction. Continual feedback and adjustments create impactful, working relationships, and prevent missteps, misunderstandings and potential disasters. Unlike employees, volunteers work less time without pay so looping is crucial to volunteer success.
    • efficiently and effectively communicating: includes emails, chats, phone calls, meetings and all other methods providing information to volunteers.
    • Why is this important? LoVols balance inspiration and expectations to ensure volunteers understand expectations and organizational direction while reaping the positive benefits of volunteering.
    • training to position: this includes on the job training for the volunteer role. Unlike onboarding or orientation to mission, this training is specific to job requirements. Whether the LoVols trains personally or has been instrumental in guiding staff to train new volunteers, training to position ensures volunteers are equipped to function within their roles and produce results.
    • Why is this important? Volunteers free staff to accomplish their objectives. Essential training equips volunteers with the confidence to fulfill their roles and allow staff the additional time to accomplish their objectives which becomes a dual benefit.
    • educating: this includes newsletters, seminars, workshops, email blasts and other methods to inform volunteers not only about organizational news, but about topics relevant to volunteers’ lives.
    • Why is this important? Education is high on employee and volunteer lists of desirable perks. Continually educating volunteers equips the volunteer team with correct and current organizational information, especially since volunteers are WOMM (word-of-mouth marketing) ambassadors to the community. Educational offerings speaks volumes about the commitment to the volunteers’ positions within an organization and to their well-being.
    • adjusting or agile thinking: this includes reevaluating volunteer involvement or placement, utilizing innovative methods of retention, matching volunteers to roles, flexible adjustments and any other method to address individual volunteer needs.
    • Why is this important? LoVols balance organizational needs with volunteer needs to create a symbiotic relationship that adds value and furthers mission goals.
    • mediating: this includes intervening when necessary, balancing the advocating for volunteer rights while promoting organizational needs, finding middle ground that satisfies all stakeholders and honors the mission. It includes having difficult conversations with volunteers, putting the mission first, dismissing a volunteer when necessary and advocating for volunteers to be treated with respect.
    • Why is this important? Improving or salvaging a relationship with a volunteer is crucial. Poor experiences affect volunteers, staff and clients. LoVols mediate to ensure all stakeholders are satisfied so that mission goals are achieved.
    • structuring strategically: this includes creating innovative new roles to engage today’s volunteers, revamping outdated volunteer positions, policies, procedures and methods of communication, gathering feedback and involving volunteers in strategies.
    • Why is this important? As volunteerism evolves, LoVols structure volunteer initiatives to sustain and attract today’s volunteers by creating new roles, offering flex scheduling, sharing jobs, ensuring diversity, engaging virtual and one time volunteers and including volunteers in strategic planning. As demand for volunteers grows, LoVols are busy structuring for future growth and laying the groundwork to attract and sustain a team of effective volunteers who add value.

    The next time someone stops and says, “gee, it looks like you’re having a lot of fun,” smile and reply, “I’m actually hard at work because one of my volunteer engagement skills includes making fun look effortless. Thanks for noticing.”

    -Meridian

    Photo by Oladimeji Ajegbile on Pexels.com

    P.S. Feel free to share this with anyone who doesn’t understand your job…your grandpa, your snotty cousin Mildred, all your old college roommates, staff at your organization, your CEO…

  • #LoVols, This Needs to Change Now

    #LoVols, This Needs to Change Now

    Ask an astro-physicist “what do you do all day,” and I’ll bet her answer isn’t “I look through a telescope.” Ask a software developer the same question and it’s doubtful he’d say, “I type on a keyboard.” So why do we, #LoVols say, “I work with volunteers?”

    Astro-physicists and software developers have complicated jobs producing impressive results that stretch far beyond the simplest terms. Our jobs as #LoVols?…..most people don’t have a clue as to the skills and strategies we use when engaging volunteers and crafting volunteer impact. We need to change that perception.

    This doesn’t mean whining, “volunteer Jenny did that amazing work because I spent extra days training her since our staff couldn’t take the time to show her how to do her work and oh, I listened to all her last-minute questions on a Saturday night when I could have gone to see Star Wars at the movies with my now ex-boyfriend who incidentally went without me and showed up with my best friend Carla and yeah, my life is in tatters, but hey, Jenny did a great job, thanks to my sacrifice, didn’t she?” Hmmmm, maybe that’s not quite the way to show our work.

    Instead, we can show our strategies in developing effective volunteer teams and by doing so, dispel the myth that volunteers need nothing more than coordination. By laying out the upfront and continual work in developing effective volunteer teams, we accomplish these objectives:

    • we ingrain the idea that volunteers don’t magically appear, ready to go.
    • we show that volunteers are people, not tools, and like employees, need continual mentoring and support.
    • we reinforce the truism that volunteer initiatives are not “herding cats” but are strategically structured for success.
    • we support our argument that not every volunteer can be interchanged and that thoughtfully matching volunteers to role creates successful outcomes and prevents disasters.
    • we show that there are processes in play and that even our chatting with volunteers is structured to mentor them for success.
    • we point to a volunteer’s progression from first contact to integrated volunteer and reinforce the idea that volunteers require continual support, not just from us, but from the entire organization.
    • we highlight the creative processes in forming innovative volunteer roles that impact the mission.

    The acronym, VOL E TEAMS will do nicely here as in, “Let me show you how I develop teams of volunteers who are effective.” You can substitute excellent or efficient for the “E” but I’ll argue why effective is the best choice when talking about VOL E TEAMS. Let’s look at definitions:

    • Effective: producing the intended result
    • Efficient: functioning in the best manner without wasting time
    • Excellent: possessing superior merit

    Say a physician recommends her patient take a medication to alleviate symptoms. The physician could say, “this medication is excellent,” or “this medication is efficient,” or “this medication is effective.” Which word speaks to results? Effective. That doesn’t mean our volunteers are not excellent nor efficient. They are and you could also say, “I’m developing volunteers for an effective, efficient and excellent team.”

    As we, LoVols report volunteer impact, effective is a key word to support the contributions our volunteers make. Verbiage is crucial and we must use results-type words to describe volunteer value such as effective, outcomes, results, impact, accomplish, contribute to, produce, achieve, implement, enact, create, effect, etc.

    So, what does the acronym VOL E TEAMS stand for? (Hint- it stands for the work #LoVols do to create and sustain the volunteer factor.)

    • vetting
    • on-boarding and/or orienting
    • looping
    • efficiently and effectively communicating
    • training to position
    • educating
    • adjusting or agile thinking
    • mediating
    • structuring

    Next time: An effective team requires an effective leader. Looking at the components of VOL E TEAMS or it’s time we show our value as Leaders of Volunteers.

    -Meridian

  • Happy New Year! Volunteer Plain Talk Podcast Episode 4

    Happy New Year! Volunteer Plain Talk Podcast Episode 4

    https://www.buzzsprout.com/605416/2382236-episode-4-interview-with-sam-clift-volunteer-resource-manager-london-transport-museum

    How do you evolve your volunteer program for the volunteers of tomorrow whilst meeting the needs of your volunteers today? Sam Clift, Volunteer Resource Manager at London Transport Museum talks through achieving senior management buy-in, involving volunteers in strategy planning, getting volunteers on board with organisational change and using technology and volunteer support to make volunteering more accessible and inclusive. Sam can be contacted at sam.clift@ltmuseum.co.uk or alternatively at his LinkedIn page: http://linkedin.com/in/sam-clift-0363a821
    Tips I learned from Sam:
    Court senior manager buy-in by chiming with their priorities. 
    Keep volunteer value continuously in view.
    Technology can be embraced by volunteers.
    One change can create looking at other ways to change and grow.
    Use incentives to make changes more palatable.
    Involve volunteers in strategic roles.
    Be honest about limitations.
    Elevate volunteers to mentor roles.
    Find new ways to embrace inclusion.
    Meet challenges head-on.

    Thank you to Sam for his hard work and insights and for sharing his program with us. And here’s to an exciting new year.

    -Meridian

  • Volunteer Holiday Cards Free download

    Volunteer Holiday Cards Free download

    Happy Holidays everyone! Please feel free to use these cards to send to your volunteers as a quick or additional acknowledgement of their dedication to your mission and their impact on your communities.

    for Social Media

    volunteers-light-the-way-1Download
    volunteer-card-2019Download
    happy-new-year-volunteersDownload
    your-dedication-1Download

    Have a joyful holiday everyone!

    -Meridian

  • Surviving “that” conversation at holiday gatherings-a guide for volunteer managers

    Surviving “that” conversation at holiday gatherings-a guide for volunteer managers

    courtesy https://gratisography.com/

    Yup, holiday gatherings are upon us and everyone fears the inevitable politics-driven shouting between grandpa and cousin Timmy, but guess what? Those conversations are nothing burgers compared to what we, volunteer managers must endure. You know what I’m talking about.

    You arrive at a party and the snarky attorney guest of a friend of a friend of a friend is introduced to you. She hears “manager of volunteers” and looks down her nose at the scuffs on your Gucci knockoff shoes that you bought at your organization’s thrift store, because, hey, you have a conscience and want to contribute some money instead of just spending it and besides, recycling is the way to go, but you just keep mum and let her rake you over with her eyes like you’re some bargain basement hobo.

    So, in the spirit of defending our #lovols profession, here are some comebacks for those inevitable questions that arise when you are introduced to uppity distant cousin Prunella or your best friend’s very successful investment banker neighbor, Chase who is usually alone on holidays.

    Q: “So, you’re a volunteer manager, did you say? I’m confused. Does that mean you volunteer for the job or do you actually get paid to do that?”

    A: What a great question. It’s complicated. I don’t get paid in money, but I do get to pick from all the stuff that is donated to my organization. Last week I got a case of lentil soup. The cans were out of date, but that’s ok. I’ve not gotten sick from donated food yet, unless you count that time I was throwing up for a week, but I don’t think it was from that out of date cheese, and heck, I picked off all the mold, but you never know. Anyway, I’m hoping for a toaster oven this week. Mine’s like 20 years old and it only toasts on one side so you have to turn it over and run it again.

    Q: “Volunteer manager, you say, what’s that? There’s no degree in that, is there, I mean, you’re basically a party planner, right?”

    A: You wouldn’t think we’d need any skills, would you? Actually, I have a Bachelor of Science in cat herding, with a minor in balloon animal engineering. It’s a pretty popular degree but the work is intense. I mean I think I’m still suffering the effects of helium-osis (raise your voice’s octave to a squeak) which makes me speak in a higher than normal voice at times. Currently, I have a scholarship at Nancy’s Nonprofit University for a Master’s degree in Little Old Lady Management. I hear the internship is brutal, you know all that tea drinking and knitting and getting shanked by a wayward knitting needle while scrambling for the ball of yarn the 17 cats ran off with. There’s this one class I hear is really hard, it’s ‘The Symbolism in Grandchildren Stories, or Does Grandma Secretly Despise Her Offspring?’

    Q: “You work with people who don’t get paid? That’s not really management, is it?”

    A: You got me. Don’t let this get out, but when a volunteer signs up, we pretend to give them a tour of the organization and we usher them into the basement and lock them up in a room until they complete their assignment. We all take turns poking them with a stick until they do what we want. Sometimes, and this is the hilarious part, we just poke them for laughs. I have my own special stick made out of hickory. I call it “Ol’ Persuader.” And you’re correct, it’s not management at all, ha ha, it’s so much easier and more fun.

    Q: “So, you work for one of those nonprofits, right? You know, they’re always bothering me for money. Don’t you people just get money from the government? Why are you people hounding me?

    A: Ha, ha, awww, we can’t fool you, can we? Don’t let this get out, but we actually get millions and I mean millions from the government but since we don’t need money, we invented this game. We like to see if we can get gullible people to donate and we give a prize at the end of the year to the staff member with the most lucrative sob story campaign. And I shouldn’t be telling you this, but do you know what we do with all those extra donations? One word. Stock market. Hey, it’s almost the end of the year. I wonder if I won the award with my “Life Sucks, Give Me Cash, You Cheapskate” campaign.

    Q: “Wow, managing volunteers, that must be really easy, right, I mean how hard could that be?”

    A: Oh, you, you are so perceptive. It’s hands down the easiest gig I’ve ever had. I’ve got volunteers who bring me coffee in the morning and volunteers who clean the office while I just sit back and watch YouTube videos. I even have volunteers who do my laundry, can you believe that? And, don’t tell anyone but I even have a volunteer who rubs my feet in the afternoon. Yeah, crazy, isn’t it? Crazy good! I’ve been told the foot rubbing and come to think of it, the volunteer who pays my bills violates some sort of fair labor practices, but hey, they volunteered, right? They’re not protected by anything, ha ha ha ha ha!

    Well, there you have it. Use these answers in good, holiday health and don’t stress about those absurd questions.

    You are welcome.

    -Meridian